By Lisa Scottoline
I just hung up the phone, having said no to going out to lunch with a friend.
And about an hour ago, I said no to a speaking engagement that would’ve been wonderful.
And yesterday, I said no to somebody who wanted to invite me to drinks and dinner at a local golf club.
Do you think I’m being negative?
On the contrary.
I’m being positive.
Because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that my time really is precious.
Not in monetary terms, but more in its scarcity.
When you’re sixty, the end is near.
And I’ve come to realize that every time I say no to someone else, I am saying yes to myself.
What am I talking about?
Let me explain, because if I have any accumulated wisdom in all these decades, it is this:
You need to protect the candle.
What does that mean?
Here’s where I got the image, and it’s not overly impressive. It’s not from great literature, but from old fashioned scary movies.
Remember those movies, where the family is in the dark mansion at night and they hear a noise, and it’s in Victorian times, so there’s no electricity. In the next scene, a beautiful woman with a long braid and wearing a cotton nightgown will invariably grab a candle, light it, and walk around the house in the dark, cupping her slim, elegant hand in front of the candles flame.
Think Nicole Kidman during a power outage.
She cups the candle for obvious reasons, so the candle won’t blow out, since it’s a fragile thing and could be extinguished by the slightest breeze, not to mention some terrifying ghost.
And for some reason, as my writing career progress, I began to feel the squeeze of lots of obligations and requests, barking like dogs in the yard.
I’m not complaining, because I know how lucky I am, but truth is I think my life is exactly like yours in this respect.
You might have a job that you need to do, or you have a child you want to devote time to, or an elderly parent that needs your attention. Or you simply want to set fifteen minutes aside every day to do yoga, start your own book, or cook an incredibly complicated French recipe.
In the lives of modern women, there is a constant tension between the things we want to do and the things we ought to do, and it’s impossible to balance these things.
Especially when, at least in my case, I’ve spent a lifetime confusing the things I want to do with what other people want me to do.
I’m a people pleaser, from birth.
But as time wore on, and my nerves got more frayed than they needed to be, I thought as many people as I pleased, I really never got to please myself.
To do whatever I wanted to do.
Even if what I wanted to do was clear my head and write my book, which is my actual job.
People who don’t work at home don’t get that home is work.
And finally, after decades of this madness, I came to realization:
I have to protect my candle.
My candle was the stories I wanted to tell, in my books.
And what I started to do was to say no to anything that wasn’t those things.
My image at all times was the woman in the nightgown with the long braid, cupping her hand in front of her flickering candle.
And even though it sounds simple to say no, it wasn’t, not for me.
People asked repeatedly, which I came to realize was pressure.
Others became angry at me when I said no.
I lost a few acquaintances, and one or two friends.
I missed out on some boring parties, and some great ones.
But the more I protected my candle, so that I spent my energy and time on what I loved, the happier and happier I got.
You may be more enlightened than I, in which case you might be rolling your eyes by now.
But if you’re like me, I hope you take my advice, because it is the only thing I know for sure:
Protect your candle.
And what is your candle?
Whatever you want to do.
Trying Tai Chi.
Reading a novel.
Writing a novel.
Learning Spanish.
Watching Real Housewives.
Sunbathing.
Whatever you want, it’s completely up to you.
Something you love.
And then, make that the thing you say yes to, every time.
If you have to do a job that isn’t your candle, give time to your candle every day.
Protect that time like a maniac.
Put your hand in front of the flame and don’t let anybody blow your candle out.
Give yourself the permission to say no to the requests of others.
To disappoint them.
To even make them angry.
If they get mad at you because you did something else that you wanted to do more, you don’t need them in your life.
And the interesting thing is that the more things you say no to, you feel that you are paring your life down, but you’ll be expanding it, because the time you give yourself allows you to grow in new directions, which arise organically from something you truly love to do.
And in time, you may come to the same realization that I did recently.
Which is that the candle isn’t a project at all.
The candle is you.
Copyright Lisa Scottoline