formula one Archives – Lisa Scottoline

By Lisa Scottoline

I’m loved.

By an algorithm.

But I’ll take it.

As you may know, I haven’t had a date in forever and I write sex scenes from memory.

But now I can’t remember.

To return to point, that doesn’t mean I don’t have love in my life.

I have great friends, furry animals, and above all, a phone.

My phone loves me deeply.

And so does every place I shop online.

How do I know?

Because they tell me so, via my phone.

These days, every time I buy something, I get a text or email from the website fifteen minutes later, telling them how much they enjoyed my patronage.

All I did was click.

But now we’re in a relationship.

I’m not complaining.

I know, they’re trying to get into my pants.

I mean, my wallet.

But at least someone’s asking me questions and cares about my answer.

I didn’t get that in either marriage.

Even an algorithm is better than Thing One and Thing Two.

I should have married Al Gorhythm.

Sorry.

The same thing happens when I go into stores. I mean brick-and-mortar, like old-school buildings where you drive there, walk inside, and buy stuff.

Stores are better boyfriends than sites because they care about me, in detail.

After I leave, every store sends me a survey, asking me pages of specific questions:

How was my experience at their store?

Were all of my questions answered?

Were the salespeople knowledgeable and courteous?

How about the store itself? Was it clean and well-lit?

Was it able to find everything I needed?

Would I recommend the store to my friends?

Or only my enemies?

I might be the only person who actually responds to these surveys.

I love it!

Ask me anything!

I have opinions!

I’m sharing them!

If it says, Is there anything else you would like us to know, I click, YOU’RE DARN TOOTIN!

Then I elaborate.

I show my work.

Every restaurant sends me a survey, too, and I tap away on my phone, rating the appetizers, the wait staff, and the specialty drink menu:

Yes, I sure would recommend that margarita with smoky mescal!

Last week I went to a horse show and even they sent me a survey.

What’s my opinion on the horse show?

I love horses!

I would recommend the show to every horse I know!

By the way, I give everybody good ratings, but it’s the truth. I’m not out to ruin anybody’s day or get anybody fired. I waitressed in college and I love everybody. I’m a five-star machine.

Why?

People don’t get enough positive reinforcement in life.

My point was proven last week, when I watched a Formula One race and British driver George Russell radioed in the middle of the race, “I need a bit of encouragement, mate.”

OMG, can you imagine?

He’s driving a racecar at 200 miles an hour.

I’d give him all the encouragement he needs.

I give him so much encouragement he wouldn’t need gas.

Meanwhile you should see me drive at 70 miles an hour.

My teeth start to chatter.

To return to point, I’m going to shop more often because I love all the surveys, which I answer in a loop of recycled love.

I even recommend stores on Yelp, if they ask me to.

After all, I have my career because readers have been kind enough to recommend my books to others, so I pay it forward.

Thanks, mate!

By Lisa Scottoline

It was a busy week, news-wise.

But there’s one story that didn’t make the headlines.

It was my birthday! And I had a great one!

Why?

Because I’m loving getting older.

First, I’m alive.

Like what number birthday was it?

Who cares?

Here’s all that matters:

It was Another Birthday!

Yay!

The second reason I love getting older is that I’ve lost my mind, but in a good way.

It all started with Netflix.

Like everybody, I love Netflix and I watch tons of shows, but somehow I stumbled onto Drive to Survive. If you’re not familiar, it’s real-life series about Formula One race-car drivers, and the bottom line is they’re hot drivers who drive even hotter cars.

Maybe in my younger days I would’ve watched the guys.

But I found myself looking at cars.

Their bodies.

Their muscularity.

Their passion.

The cars, mind you.

And before I go further, I have to tell you that I am the world’s slowest driver.

I not only drive in the slow lane, I live there.

I go seventy only if I’m on the Pennsylvania Turnpike and there’s a big truck behind me, flashing lights and threatening to kill me.

Especially if it has big teeth on the grille.

I love truckers, but really, with the teeth?

Do you need to scare us more than we already are?

Sometimes I see truck grilles that have a teddy bear tied to the front.

Those guys, I love.

Except sometimes it looks like the teddy bear is being throttled.

Anyway, you get the idea, I’m a timid driver.

It’s the only thing I’m timid at in my life, almost. I’ve grown into a mouthy broad and since I run my own company, I’ve learned to try to get what I want.

It’s not easy, and the world will try and stop you.

But as soon as I realized that, I stopped stopping myself.

In other words, I started not stopping myself.

If you follow.

So bottom line, I don’t obey and I try to get what I want.

This is probably why I’m divorced twice, but the good news is I had Another Birthday, I’m happier than ever, and I bought a sports car.

Yes, that was my birthday present to myself.

It has only two seats because I’m only one person. I was tired of driving around in a sedan that felt like an empty warehouse.

That’s the practical reason.

The real reason is I got excited about sports cars from Netflix and then I saw one in a dealership window and I bought it.

It’s also a convertible, and I’ve never driven a convertible in my life.

My roots are too gray for a convertible.

I was too shy to lower the top, then one time I was on the phone with Daughter Francesca, who loves her ancient VW convertible, and she said, “Mom, please, pull over right now and lower that top.”

Every mother knows that when her daughter tells her to do something, we do it.

In fact, Francesca is the only person I obey.

So I did, and it was fun, even though my gray roots showed.

And then my best friend Franca gave me a baseball hat for my birthday, so when I lower my top, I also cover my top.

Plus for my birthday, my best friend Laura gave me a Formula One video game.

This is the first video game of my life.

I can’t wait to play it and drive around fictionally!

I might even put the fictional top down!

My best friend Nan said, “It’s never too late to reinvent yourself.”

And I am reinventing like crazy.

So now I have a sports car that I drive in the slow lane, having the time of my life.

People will say I’m having a midlife crisis, but they’re totally wrong.

I’m having an end-of-life crisis.

My midlife crisis was late.

It drives slow, too.

Besides, it’s not a crisis, it’s my own personal Italian Renaissance.

Bottom line, I’m not sure if I’m going in a good direction or bad one.

All I know is I’m going forward.

And I’m in the driver’s seat.

Yay! And I’m not going anywhere without my daughter and my besties.

Survey Says

Vroom, Vroom

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