By Lisa Scottoline
Months of quarantine can lead to only one thing.
First, let me make clear that I’m not making fun of the pandemic. The pandemic is horrible. We all know that, and those of us who can work from home are staying in our houses. Apparently without end, since there is no federal government anymore.
There are 50 governments, and there’s no united in the United States.
But we’ll leave that aside for now.
You know the mess we’re in.
The only logical solution is getting naked.
Here’s what I mean.
I’d been noticing a gradual decline in my appearance, and at this point, I’m not sure I care. I cut my own hair, my gray is coming in, and I started wearing T-shirts and gym shorts every day.
The world did not end.
I even wear gym shorts to Zoom yoga, proving that Lululemon is not a federal requirement.
There are no federal requirements anymore.
(I forgot, I’m forgetting about that for now.)
And then I stopped wearing bras because really, why bother?
If you live in your house 24/7 and there’s nobody there but you and your daughter, you’re going to stop wearing a bra.
Add a heat wave and you know where this is going.
The clothes are coming off.
Especially because I hate air conditioning.
I’m going native.
By the way, I’m not saying this to be prurient.
That’s a fancy way of saying I don’t want you to visualize me naked.
Believe me, you don’t want to visualize me naked.
It’s not a pretty sight, but it doesn’t have to be.
It’s just me, a female human being.
In my birthday suit.
Daughter Francesca, who still wears clothes, has her doubts. The other day, I came downstairs in my underwear and she looked over.
“Mom, aren’t you forgetting something?”
“Not really,” I told her. And then I explained it was too hot for clothes and nobody would see me because I wasn’t expecting any UPS packages.
I’m not sure when UPS became my fashion arbiter.
I suspect the answer is now.
After all, it’s the United Parcel Service.
The parcels are united, even if the people aren’t.
The parcels have it together.
I want to live in the United States of Parcels.
Anyway, to return to the point, I’m starting to do more things naked and I’m having fun.
You can cook naked.
You can clean naked.
You can ride an exercise bike naked.
You can be naked on your computer, but you have to put a Post-It over the camera, just in case someone sees you and throws up.
I mean, you have to look on the bright side in quarantine.
We can’t go out to work.
We can’t go out to play.
We can barely go out to shop for food.
Soon, we’ll be clawing the dirt for nuts and berries.
And yet, at least we’re alive.
That’s about as elemental as it gets. That’s about as stripped down as it can be.
Why not get naked?
We might have hit rock bottom.
Or look at it my way, we’ve become sublime.
We’ve become angels on Earth.
We’ve gone back to the garden.
Nowadays, you don’t have to wear anything but a mask.
Is that so much to ask?
A mask is the new fig leaf.
Tell you one thing, naked is more comfortable than I thought.
Naked is even better than elastic waistbands.
I never thought there would be anything better than elastic waistbands. Until now, elastic waistbands, chocolate cake, and dogs were my favorite things.
But now I have a new favorite thing.
I can’t be the only person going naked during the pandemic. I bet there are housefuls of naked people all across the country.
National Geographic might be the only thing that’s national anymore.
Nudies, it’s time to come out.
Don’t go outside naked.
Just not against federal law.
Remember there are no federal laws anymore, only state laws.
But whichever state you live in, I’m pretty sure naked is illegal.
Evidently we can all agree that nudity is wrong.
Unfortunately, we can’t agree on anything else.
The only thing we all abhor, 100%, is our natural state.
I like myself naked.
I’m comfortable in my own skin.
And now, I’m comfortable only in my own skin.
Drop me a line.
But not a picture.
That’s against the law.
Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2020
Lisa is thrilled to announce that her co-author for these humorous essays, daughter Francesca Serritella, published her debut novel, Ghosts of Harvard on May 5, 2020. Order the book by May 19th, and you can get a free paperback of their essays!