Chick Wit

• Dirty Laundry March 16, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  I think I need to do my laundry more often.

  Let me explain.

  As you may know, I live alone.

  As in, I’m celibate.

  But I digress.

  Since it’s just me, I don’t generate a lot of laundry.

  I barely sweat.

  Did I mention I’m celibate?

  And also, in winter, who sweats?

  Usually, I’m bundled up in fleece tops and sweatpants and from time to time, I even sleep in them.

  TMI?

  Get ready.

  I’m about to air my dirty laundry.

  Literally.

  In any event, I don’t have a lot of laundry.

  And when I do, I just throw it in the washing machine, which I use as a hamper.

  When it’s full, then I run it off.

  I don’t do it more often because I have a job.

  Also, I’m trying to be ecologically sound.

  Okay, I’m lazy.

  I’m probably doing laundry every two weeks.

  So the other day I decided to throw something in the laundry and run off a load, but inside the machine was a visitor.

  A mouse.

  He looked back up at me, and his expression said, “Took you a while.”

  I replied, “EEEK!”

  Worse, he was sitting among mouse droppings scattered over my laundry like chocolate jimmies.

  Please tell me you know that’s the sprinkles they put on ice cream.

  Now you’ll never eat them again.

  Anyway, the mouse was alive, but barely.

  I got over the initial shock, then I realized I had to get him out of there, so I got a saucepan and put it inside the machine, and trapped him. Then I put the lid on, ran him outside, and set him down in my backyard at the edge of the woods.

  There’s a stream back there, too, in case he got thirsty.

  And has GPS.

  Anyway he scampered away.

  I’m guessing he was looking for a lady who has sex.

  So, happy ending.

  I’m a good person, but a bad housekeeper.

  I went upstairs and threw away the laundry that had been in the washing machine.

  By the way, there’s a drainpipe that goes into the back of the washing machine and runs from outside the house, so I’m telling myself he got in from the outside.

  That’s a better story than he was already in the house.

  I can make up anything I want to.

  I write fiction.

  The whole thing grossed me out, but I consider myself and the mouse lucky.

  I don’t want to think about what would’ve happened in the dryer.

  All’s well that ends well.

  And what’s my lesson?

  I’m not doing my laundry more often.

  But I’m gonna get a screen on that pipe.

  Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025

• Column Classic: City Slickers 3: The Legend of Bandana-Napkin March 9, 2025

  By Francesca Serritella

  Here is a Column Classic by Francesca about an epic trip we took to the Grand Canyon! You can find Francesca on Facebook @FrancescaSerritellaauthor or on Instagram @fserritella

  

  They say you don’t really know a person until you travel together, but is that true if the person is your mother? 

  I asked myself this on our recent trip to Arizona, our first mother-daughter vacation in almost ten years.  We had an amazing time and got along great, but I noticed some new quirks, beginning as soon as our first flight. 

  “Can you open the window?” she asked.

  “Sure.”  I slid the shade up and squinted into the light.  “Wow, you can see—”

  “Nm-mm,” my mother grunted, and I noticed she was shielding her eyes.

  “Sorry, too bright?”

  “No, I don’t want to see how high we are, it scares me.”

  Now I squinted at her.  “You asked me to open it.”

  “Yes, but I don’t want to see!”  

  Click to read the full column on Francesca’s Website

  I know her, but do I understand her?

  I wondered again by the pool in Scottsdale, when I lowered my sunglasses to see my mother approaching with what appeared to be a cloth napkin tied around her head.

  “Perfect, huh?”  She posed like a pirate beauty queen.  “I went to the gift shop for something to cover my head, but then I realized, I could get this from the restaurant!  It’s just like a bandana!”

  “It’s even more like a napkin.”  And I reminded her she had a ball cap in the bag.

  “Nah, the brim blocks the sun.”  She settled down on the chair next to me, readjusting her bandana-napkin.

  I slid down behind my book.

  Another of my mom’s quirks is that she loves to order drinks, or “dwinks” when she’s ready to party, but she hates the taste of alcohol.  She always forgets this last part.

  “Can I taste it?”  She sipped my Sauvignon Blanc and grimaced.  “So winey.”

  The only wine sweet enough for her is Lambrusco, an unusual, sparkling red, and when she asks for it, she tricks waiters into thinking she’s a jaded oenophile.  Most restaurants don’t have it, so the waiter will suggest other esoteric options, using words like “tannic” and “peaty.”

  I wanted to tell him, she wants notes of “juice box,” do you have a juice box wine?

  As the server left to bring a sample of a “jammy” Pinot Noir I knew she’d suffer through, I said, “You don’t have to order a drink.”

  “Of course I do, we’re on vacation!”

  She had a point.

  I was getting the hang of Vacation Mom, when I anticipated a problem.  If a peek out an airplane window was too much for her vertigo, how was she going to enjoy the Grand Canyon?

  The irony was that she’d planned the trip.  The Grand Canyon was entirely her idea; she had even booked a guide to take us hiking into it.

  I sat her down.  “I’m worried about you.  You need to mentally prep that it’s going to be really, really huge and you might get freaked out by the height.”

  She waved me off.  “It’ll be great, I just won’t go on the high parts.”

  “Mom, I think the whole thing is a high part.”

  Cue the soundtrack to City Slickers.

  But when the day came, my mom closed her eyes for much of the mountainous drive up (don’t worry, she was in the backseat) yet remained in good spirits! 

  We arrived at the Canyon, and the guide showed us to the top of the steep trail.  Or at least he pointed to it from a safe distance, since my mom refused to get out of the car.  I said I couldn’t leave her in there like a dog, but she insisted:

  “You go, that’s why I hired him, I want you to have a good time.”

  I was touched.  And I realized how much of my mom’s behavior was to make me happy: a good view from the window seat, fun drinks at dinner—okay, the napkin thing was just weird, I got nothing for that—but she wouldn’t let her quirks keep us from having an unforgettable vacation.

  In the end, I made it less than thirty minutes down into the Canyon before my own vertigo forced me to turn back.  When I reemerged on the top, flat ground, there was no sweeter sight than my little mom, bravely out of the car, trying to take a photo with a shaky hand while gripping onto a signpost for dear life—a good ten yards from the gorge’s edge.

  When she saw me, she broke into a grin, still clinging to the signpost like a koala.  “How was it?”

  I smiled.  “Perfect.”

  Copyright © Francesca Serritella 2017

• Entitled March 2, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  Big news!

  I applied for Social Security!

  I know, there are those of you who don’t think this is big news, and there are others who have no idea what I’m talking about.

  Allow me to explain.

  You get to apply for Social Security when you get old.

  And the good news is, I got old!

  I crossed the finish line!

  I bookended my own life!

  I really don’t take this lightly. Not everybody gets to be old, and I have friends who did not get to the privilege of aging.

  Life is precious.

  But it’s not an entitlement.

  Like Social Security.

  I remember when I saw the taxes taken out of my first paycheck, and Mother Mary told me the money would be given back to me when I’m old.

  It seemed unfair.

  Until now.

  Frankly, the government did the right thing.

  Because I would’ve invested in shoes.

  Also handbags.

  But they kept my money, and all I had to do was keep breathing.

  I did it!

  I was excited to apply for Social Security, but I worried there would be a lot of forms and I wouldn’t know where to begin.

  So I typed into the computer, How do I apply for Social Security?

  A link popped onto the screen, and I answered the questions from there.

  It took me TEN minutes to apply for Social Security online.

  God’s honest truth!

  I felt like I finished the test early and was looking around at everyone else still writing, a position I’ve never been in.

  I admit I wasn’t sure about one of the questions, which was whether I wanted my first check now or later, but I decided the answer is now, especially because I’d waited long enough and I’m worried about what’s going to happen to Social Security.

  Here’s where I tell you that I used to be a government employee.

  I worked for the federal court system when I was a law clerk to a judge on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals. It was the most wonderful job I ever had except for the one I have now, where I’m the judge.

  I give myself great performance reviews.

  And raises.

  Also shoes and handbags.

  To return to point, I knew a lot of government employees back then, and they were all hard-working, honest, and dedicated to their jobs.

  They did not waste taxpayer money.

  No one ever forgot for a minute that someone was paying for our pencils, computers, and desks.

  Bottom line, we were paying.

  But nowadays, a random billionaire is running around like the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, shouting “off with their heads,” waving a chainsaw, and firing federal employees willy-nilly, claiming that most federal employees are frauds.

  Nothing could be further from the truth.

  But this column is supposed to be funny.

  And the joke’s on us, friends.

  Now we’ll pay taxes but get fewer services, all thanks to random billionaires who pay no taxes.

  They’re not entitled, they just act that way.

  Here’s the truth:

  America is a big country, and its government provides a lot of services that need to be administered. The court system in which I worked administered justice. In other words, you cannot get justice without a lot of people to do the things that need to be done first.

  Just like you cannot eat a dinner without somebody to buy and cook the food, then set the table and clean up after.

  It’s really that simple.

  You cannot get services like justice without administrators, and when you eliminate the administrators, you eliminate the services.

  I can only pray that random billionaires don’t take our Social Security, put our checks in their own pockets, and call it justice.

  Because it’s the exact opposite.

  Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025

• Penny For Your Thoughts February 23, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  I guess you heard the big financial news.

  Or rather the little financial news.

  They’re getting rid of the penny.

  Rats!

  Do you want to live in a world without pennies?

  I don’t.

  Pennies are so cute!

  Evidently it costs $0.04 to make a penny, so I guess it’s economic.

  But it costs $0.14 to make a nickel, and nobody’s dissing the nickel.

  I’d take a penny over a nickel any day.

  You can’t quantify everything.

  Even money.

  I love pennies so much I named a dog Penny. Her fur was the warm copper color of a penny.

  A penny’s only 2% copper and 98% zinc, but still.

  Zinc is a bad dog name.

  And I always pick up a penny if I see one on the sidewalk, then I say the lines: See a penny, pick it up, all the day you’ll have good luck.

  Honestly, I’ve been lucky since my last divorce.

  I have purses that have a penny in them that I found on the sidewalk.

  What are we going to do for luck now?

  When we seem to need it most?

  I even have memories associated with pennies.

  I always got pennies in my Christmas stocking, which I loved. Somehow a penny on a magical morning is worth more than a cent.

  And I had pink piggybank full of pennies. It was about three dollars but I felt rich as Midas. And I remember getting coin envelopes, stacking the pennies inside, then taking them to the bank and depositing them in my savings account.

  I still have that plaid passbook.

  Its balance won’t buy a pack of gum, but it has sentimental value, which is the most expensive kind.

  I owned a pair of penny loafers, with actual pennies in the slot.

  And how about when you went on a field trip, and they had big machines that you could put a penny in, and it would smash the penny into a souvenir?

  I did that a bunch of times.

  I remember how cool it was to press the penny and get this squashed penny that of course I would lose.

  But still, pennies!

  Remember penny candy?

  When I was a kid, I used to go to a candy store and get penny candy out of a big glass jars. Come to think of it, we would all stick our hand in the same jar, so it couldn’t have been sanitary.

  But what do you want for a penny?

  You get what you pay for.

  Cheap germs!

  And I remember putting a penny in a gumball machine.

  Magic!

  Or, stale gum!

  And there are so many expressions with pennies.

  Like, a penny for your thoughts.

  Now we won’t know what anybody is thinking.

  Women are always asking men that in the movies.

  I myself have asked men that question, in a feeble bid for intimacy.

  Funny, when I heard the answer, it wasn’t worth the money.

  And how about the expression, bright as a penny?

  Now nothing will be bright.

  Penny wise and pound foolish?

  I think of that all the time.

  It guides my financial planning.

  And how about, not a penny more?

  I think it when I’m shopping online.

  A pretty penny?

  Gives me a shiny image every time.

  And how about penny ante?

  Or in for a penny, in for a pound.

  I love that expression.

  Or penny dreadful?

  I hate that expression.

  Penny stocks will probably continue.

  Because money makes the world go round, in whatever denomination.

  But me, I’m saving my pennies.

  Copyright © Smart Blonde LLC 2025

• Cracking Up February 16, 2025

  By Lisa Scottoline

  

  As far as I’m concerned, there are three seasons: spring, summer, fall, and cracked feet.

  Read on, unless you nauseate easily.

  Because I’m trying to understand what happens to my feet in winter time.

  I simply don’t recognize them anymore.

  I’m not sure they’re even human.

  My toes look like blocks, and on the bottom, the edges are sharp.

  I could cut Gruyère with my toes.

  Plus there’s a white rim around the edges of both feet.

  Cracks form like tectonic plates on my heels.

  Flakes of skin come off if I scratch my soles.

  Did you just throw up?

  I did, and it landed on my feet.

  And improved them.

  The fun begins when the cracks start bleeding. Sometimes it hurts to walk. I mean, it’s not torture, but I have a low pain threshold.

  Then I have to put Neosporin on the cracks and cover them with Band-aids, so my feet look like busted tires in a cartoon.

  And no shoes help.

  If I wear clogs, I can’t tell the difference between the wooden base and my feet.

  I could walk across fiery coals and not feel a thing.

  By the way, that’s the perfect description of my second marriage.

  To return to point, I know women aren’t supposed to loathe their bodies, and generally I don’t, but my feet deserve it.

  In fact, they’re getting off easy.

  I think you should loathe them, too.

  And now, maybe you do.

  Most of you might read this and say, Obviously Lisa, you need to moisturize your feet.

  To which I would reply, Honey, there is no amount of moisture that would make my feet human again.

  I’ve tried Vaseline, Gold Bond, Cetaphil, and every other product on the market. I slather them on my feet at night, and the next morning, my feet are exactly the same.

  They suck up all the moisture.

  They’re thirsty and they drink like crazy.

  Basically, I think all those products work the same way, which is that they cover your feet and seal its moisture in.

  But what if there’s no moisture to seal in?

  Honestly, it’s like the Sahara down there.

  I’m dry as dust.

  And it’s not because I’m getting older. I’ve had this my whole entire life.

  And don’t get me started on my legs.

  There are alligators with better skin.

  But even so, my legs aren’t as dry as my feet. You know it’s bad when people try to help. At Christmas, Daughter Francesca gave me a special kind of balm that you put on your feet at night with little red gel socks.

  I slept in those for a week.

  You know what got moisturized?

  The socks.

  I have the moistest socks in the tri-state area.

  Also my sheets, because I get sick of wearing socks to bed.

  My sheets are a Slip ‘N Slide.

  And when you sleep with dogs, the dogs try to lick moisturizer off your feet.

  Apparently Cetaphil is tasty.

  It’s an appetizer to Gold Bond.

  Sometimes I let the dogs lick my toes.

  It’s the only action in my bedroom.

  And you know what, I’m not complaining.

  And as far as my feet go, I’m waiting ‘til spring.

  Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025