Column Classic: Women’s Rights and Wrongs

By Lisa Scottoline

Everywhere you look you can see enormous regard for women, especially among big business. 

I’m talking about two great new products. 

The first is the wine rack. 

No, not that wine rack. 

Not that shelf with the holes that hold wine bottles. 


I’m talking about a bra that has two plastic bags, one in each cup, and you can fill the bags with wine, which you can drink through a tube attached to the bra. 

The “wine rack.” 

Get it? 

It’s so punny! 

Anyway, what a clever idea, right? 

I’m sure that every woman has wondered whether she could drink wine out of her bra. 

That is, everyone but me. 

Although to be fair, I have wondered if I could eat chocolate cake out of my bra. 

Then I could have cupcakes! 

See, I can think of stupid puns, too! 
By the way, I don’t know where your breasts go if the cups of your bra are occupied by wine bags. Evidently, you can’t be picky when your underwear doubles as a beverage delivery system. 

And who doesn’t want their wine warmed by body heat? 

In any event, it’s good to know that American business is constantly thinking of innovative ways to meet the needs of women. 

Alcoholic women. 

In fact, if you look up the wine rack online, they call it “every girl’s best friend.” 


More like every girl’s best frenemy. 

Because, let’s be real. It’s a bra. 

Every girl’s best friend is going braless. 

Amazingly, in addition to the wine rack, I came across another genius product for women, called the Shewee. 

Yes, you read that right. 

According to its website, the Shewee is “urinating device that allows women to urinate when they’re on the go.” 

In other words, if you have to go while you’re on the go. 

I’d like to describe a Shewee to you, but good taste prevails. 

For a change. 

The bottom line is that it’s plastic and it’s shaped like – well, it’s for girls who have penis envy. 

In other words, no girl ever. 

Only a man would come up with the idea that women have penis envy. Because anybody who has ever seen a penis knows that no woman would want one.  

You know what’s in men’s pants that we want? 

A wallet. 

To stay on point, the Shewee is the “the original female urination device.” 

Copycats, beware. 

Accept no substitutions. 

Like a Tupperware funnel. 

The website says that the Shewee is perfect for “camping, festivals, cycling, during pregnancy, long car journeys, climbing, sailing, skiing, the list is endless!” 

It doesn’t say anything about being middle-aged. 

Too bad, because I’m pretty sure that if you’re middle-aged, you’ll want one of these babies. Even if you don’t camp or go to festivals, and your days of pregnancy are behind you. 

We know why, don’t we, ladies? 

Do I have to spell it out for you – in the snow? 

I myself am about to order a gross. 

Because it’s gross. 

My favorite thing about the Shewee is that it comes in seven different colors. 

Oddly, there was no yellow. 

If you ask me, that’s a no-brainer. 

Get your marketing together, people. 

My favorite color was “Power Pink.” 

Because nothing says empowered like being able to pee where you want, damn it. 

Sayonara, rest stops. 

I gonna pee in my car! 

Woot woot! 

Now you know the perfect gifts for all your girlfriends. 

If you get them the wine rack, I guarantee they’re going to need the Shewee. 

Copyright Lisa Scottoline 2014