By Lisa Scottoline
Good news, ladies!
Do-it-yourself pap smears are on the way!
Yay?
I read it in the newspaper, which still exists. Evidently, some company is coming out with a DIY pap smear that you can do all by yourself in the doctor’s office, using a swab to collect your own sample.
Wow!
They call this self-collection.
I call it a step in the wrong direction.
Before I begin, let’s state the obvious:
Don’t expect medical advice herein, and cervical cancer isn’t funny.
But I cracked up when I read about do-it-yourself pap smears.
I didn’t see it coming.
I should have known when they started self-checkout.
It’s a slippery slope, girls.
First, you look up the produce code for asparagus.
Next thing you know, you’re twirling a swab where the sun don’t shine.
Well, next to where the sun don’t shine.
Truly, the sun doesn’t shine in either place.
I wonder if anybody’s taken this into account.
Like, how do you see?
There’s no sun!
Evidently, countries like Denmark, the Netherlands, and Sweden have been self-collecting for some time.
OMG, they really have no sun!
How do they do it?
My hat’s off to those women!
And evidently, so are my panties.
The idea is that you use the swab to twirl around your vaginal walls to collect cells.
Like a COVID test, only lower.
And you can’t do it drive-thru.
Or maybe that’s next.
In fairness, the self-test was developed because some women don’t like the speculum.
As in 100% of women.
But I’d rather have a speculum than do-it-myself.
Because I’m not competent.
For example, today is Tuesday but all day long I thought it was Thursday.
Also I always forget where I parked in the airport lot.
And I’m divorced twice.
The second time, I had doubts walking down the aisle.
In other words, I’m Queen of the Unforced Error.
I’m clearly not the person who should be twirling around in my vagina.
The only person who should be twirling around in my vagina is Bradley Cooper.
Meanwhile, don’t we women have enough to do?
Women work, raise children, vote, pay bills, nurse aging parents, make cupcakes, plant bulbs, follow recipes, and shuttle kids to soccer games and violin lessons.
Do we really have to do our own pap tests, too?
Can somebody do one frigging thing for us?
Namely somebody with a medical degree?
Or at least, somebody better with a Q-tip than I am?
I can’t even get the wax out of my ears.
Do we really want me messing with my vaginal walls?
In fact, I’m so bad at things gynecological that I showed up for my last pap smear the day after I was supposed to be there. And then I forgot it the next two years.
Last week I realized that I should probably get a pap smear, but when I contacted the gynecologist, they told me that because I missed three years in a row, I was considered a New Patient.
And they weren’t taking New Patients.
So effectively, I’m thrown out of the gynecology practice I’ve been going to for the past thirty years.
Thanks.
This is what I mean by Queen of the Unforced Error.
I thought I was an Old Patient.
But I was wrong.
Did you know that the pap smear is named for its inventor, Dr. George Papanicolaou?
I can’t even pronounce Papanicolaou.
That’s why I can’t be trusted with that Q-Tip.
Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2024
