By Lisa Scottoline

I used to get good grades.
Until now.
Because I just got a notice from my electric company, which, in the Philadelphia area, is PECO.
I’m pretty sure PECO stands for Pricey Electric Company.
I say this because PECO just sent me a notice that says, How You Compare to Your Neighbors.
First off, stop there.
I try not to compare myself to my neighbors.
Keeping up with the Joneses is never a good idea.
Somebody smart once said, Comparison is the thief of joy.
So I try not to notice when my neighbors throw big parties that I’m not invited to, or their front lawns look greener, or their husbands are very handsome and also they have one.
But here comes PECO, giving me bad news.
I’m doing terrible compared with my neighbors.
Specifically, with regard to electrical use.
Let me explain.
According to PECO, I have so-called “efficient neighbors” are using 276 kWh.
Let’s pretend we know what kWh is.
Kilowatt Hours?
Pulled that right out of my ass.
Didn’t even have to Google it.
Because that would use electricity.
Pretty good for somebody who sucks, according to their Efficient Neighbors.
And it turns out that my “average neighbors” are using 574 kWh.
Okay, so far, so good. I’m anything but average.
I’m adorable.
But according to PECO, I am using the most of all, 1034 kWh.
Wait, what, how?
In other words, as the notice told me, Your Energy Use Was Higher Than Average Neighbors by 80%.
Ruh-roh.
I have no idea how this happened.
I’m one woman and I live in a household by myself.
I turn off the lights when I leave the room.
I don’t turn the heat on unless I absolutely need it.
I don’t turn on air conditioning unless somebody makes me.
Usually I have the TV on and a single computer.
Before I go to the movies on a Saturday night, I blow-dry my hair.
I even unplug the blow dryer when I’m done because I know that uses something called phantom electricity.
Bottom line, I live like a nun.
But somehow, I am still using 80% more electricity than my high-achieving neighbors.
Where did I go wrong?
What are they doing that I’m not?
Is it because they have husbands?
None of this makes sense to me, but the notice even went on to grade Your Electricity Use at a Glance. The grades were:
Great, Good, or Fair.
Guess what, I got a fair.
Even though I studied!
To me, a Fair is a C.
And the last C I got was in trigonometry.
But I think they graded on a curve.
Because if you’re doing 80% worse than everybody else, that’s not a C.
It’s an F -.
So I’m flunking electricity.
I hope it doesn’t go on my Permanent Record Card.
I won’t even get into my safety school.
Except at my age, my safety school is a retirement home.
But I’ve been an A student my whole life.
I even got an A in divorce.
I’m the best divorcer ever.
Twice even.
It takes practice.
The PECO notice ended with, What could have caused your energy use to increase?
You’re reading my mind, girl.
It suggested “heavy appliance use.”
Come on.
I use my dishwasher once a day.
And my washer once a week.
Okay, once every two weeks.
Okay, once every three weeks.
But maybe what’s happening is that PECO is charging too much for electricity and they’re trying to make it seem like my fault.
I’m susceptible to this argument.
I carry around a lot of guilt.
This would be the Catholic part.
Original sin is my origin story.
Or maybe PECO is gaslighting me.
Unless that’s up to the gas company.
Now that’s a report I don’t want to see.
I bet I have more gas than my neighbors, too.
Copyright © 2025 Lisa Scottoline








