Column Classic: With Apologies to Mary Poppins

By Lisa Scottoline

My life just changed in a good way. In fact, in a great way. 

By gummi vitamins. 

I’m supposed to take a multivitamin, B complex, calcium, CoQ10, and Crestor. 

But the only thing I take is Crestor. Why? Because I don’t like taking pills, or I forget, and pills suck. 

That would be a medical term. 

So, imagine my delight when I’m cruising the aisles in the food store, and I see a massive jug of gummi vitamins. I don’t mean gummy, like my pie crust. I mean gummi, like the bears. 

I get my gummi vitamins home and they’re exciting and colorful, shaped like blueberries, orange slices, and red cherries. In other words, vitamins morphed into Jujyfruits. 

I’m so there. 

And I’m picking red goop out of my teeth as we speak. 

There’s a visual. Now you know why I’m divorced twice. 

All of a sudden, I can’t wait to take my daily multivitamins. I’m like a little kid. They’re better than Flintstone vitamins because they don’t stick together. Don’t ask me how I know. 

I get to have two gummi vitamins a day, and every morning, I look forward to picking my flavors. Never mind that they all taste the same, like the first ingredient, which is Glucose Syrup. 

It’s candy with a medical excuse. 

Sugar with a doctor’s note. 

A spoonful of gummi helps the medicine go down. 

But it doesn’t stop there. 

I go back to the store, where they had Vitamin B Complex in gummi form, too, and they’re awesome, too. Soft and chewy, in flavors that taste basically of floor wax. 

But still. 


And like a gummi addict, I went on another hunt and managed to find Gummi CoQ10 at Costco. 

Don’t ask me what CoQ10 is. It’s not even a word. It’s a password. It can’t even make up its mind between numbers and letters. It should have to choose. 

All I know is that my doctor said I have to take CoQ10 because I take Crestor, and he’s the one man I obey. 

Unfortunately, my gummi CoQ10 is only peach-flavored, but that’s still an improvement on CoQ10 in conventional pill form, which tastes like a conventional pill. 

And it’s a bitter pill to swallow. 

So far, if you’re counting, that means every day, I get to have five gummi things and call it medication. Which means that sugar, carbs, and calories don’t count. And I’m not that crazy anyway. I actually love the taste of calories. In fact, calories are my favorite food. 

Now you might be wondering about calcium, and that’s where Viactiv comes in. Because I couldn’t find gummi calcium, which would be the best thing ever. After gummi Crestor, which they have in heaven. 

But Viactiv calcium comes in chocolate and is wrapped in a square like a baby Chunky. So, I grabbed those babies and started chowing down. By the way, Viactiv calcium also comes in caramel, raspberry, and chocolate mint. Yes, there are 57 flavors of calcium, according to Dr. Baskin Robbins. 

I did notice online that Viactiv now comes in chocolate vitamins, too, but they’re no match for gummi vitamins, and I like a mixture in my meds, like Halloween candy. 

They can’t all be Snickers. 

The only problem with chocolate calcium is that it’s hard to limit yourself to forty-five servings. 

I’m starting to think that all of our medical treats are compensation for being middle-aged and having to take all these dumb pills. In fact, whoever invented gummi medicine is a great person. Why shouldn’t we get to have a little bit of fun with our cholesterol? Why can’t we whoop it up while we make our bones stronger? And what’s wrong with making a game out of whatever it is that CoQ10 does? 

And think of the possibilities. If they made gummi birth control pills, nobody would ever forget to take them. 

And if they made gummi Viagra? 

Run for cover. 

© Lisa Scottoline