CHICK WIT: Let Them Eat Whatever By Lisa Scottoline Everyone is talking about the exorbitant price of gas, as well as groceries like eggs, bread, and produce. You know what I`m worried about? The price of cake. I can`t even believe it. Last week, my best friend Franca was nice enough to send me an entire chocolate cake, because I was talking about how much I love it and she’s such an amazingly generous person who would do something that wonderful. As soon as I got the cake, which came delivered in a cardboard box, I opened it up to find the most delicious-looking cake ever, with glistening chocolate icing topped with orange and black jimmies for Halloween. To me, every holiday should be about saturated fats. Why should kids get all the sugar? But the receipt for the cake was taped to the back of the box, and I caught a glimpse of the price. Thirty-five dollars. What? That`s a lot of money for cake. You shouldn`t get sticker-shock over baked goods. Gas is one thing, but carbs? They`re all I want to eat, all day long. To be fair, I’d already noticed the price of cakes going up, but thirty-five bucks has to be an all-time high. I remember when cake was under ten dollars, then it went to twelve, then it zoomed sky-high, like my cholesterol. I mean, what gives? It made me think of Marie Antoinette’s quote, “Let them eat cake!” Would she say that if she knew how expensive cake was? At this rate, we`re going to have to eat vegetables. And that`s going to start a revolution. By the way, I went online to learn about Marie Antoinette and found out that she did not say, “Let them eat cake.” More accurately, what she said was, “Let them eat brioche!” Read the rest of CHICK WIT in the link in the bio.
CHICK WIT: The Mysteries of Fruit By Lisa Scottoline Is it me or is it fruit? Here’s what I mean. I don’t know when anything ripens anymore. Except for me. Believe me, I’m plenty ripe. In fact, I’m overripe. I’m practically dying on the vine. But to return to topic, I didn`t have a decent peach all summer, and this is why: I couldn`t figure out when it ripens. I would buy the peaches and bring them home and they were hard. I let them ripen in a bowl on the counter, but in one day, they were not only ripe, but spoiled. They had brown spots everywhere and weird fuzz. This also describes my face, but nevermind. I figured that a fly got them and I remembered you`re supposed to put them in a brown paper bag to ripen. So I did and then I checked on them the next day. Spoiled again, even fly-free. Meanwhile the peaches cost a fortune because I was buying organic. So I thought maybe that was the problem, so I got the nonorganic kind. They looked normal enough and they were hard, so I assumed they were unripe. But just to check, I took a bite into one when I got home, and it was brown inside. Wait, what? Read the rest of CHICK WIT in the link in the bio.
CHICK WIT: Parasocial Life By Lisa Scottoline I try to confine my crushes to emotionally available men. Bradley Cooper, for example. I`m pretty sure he would be very emotionally available, as a man. I know this for sure, from the movies he`s been in. Like he plumbed the depths of drama when he played a reserved sniper in American Sniper, and right after that, he played an alcoholic musician in A Star is Born. Like, that`s emotional range. And talent. Also biceps. And these are the factors I consider in selecting my crushes. But lately it occurred to me that I should try to pick a crush less embarrassing than a global superstar. Who’s even too young for me. So I started getting a crush on this hot silver-haired guy with horn-rimmed glasses on Instagram, who had a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, like me. I have horn-rimmed glasses, too! We have so much in common! Like that’s very relatable emotional availability. If you like dogs, I probably like you. And if you’re Cavalier-crazy, you might be my next ex-husband. Thing Three! Lucky fella. So I started following this man on Instagram and noticing how great he is with his Cavalier and loving the various tips he gives in his posts, like special ways to pet Cavaliers that they`ll love. For example, in one post he’s sitting behind his little Cavalier who looks just like my Eve, and he said that Cavaliers like it when you massage them under the ears in a circular motion, and his dog looked completely adorable, happy, and relaxed. By the way, his circular-massage technique looked excellent. I couldn`t help but think how many circles of mine need massaging. I became a fan of his dog, too, because why not? I follow a lot of dog accounts online and even follow accounts of people interviewing people about their dogs. I also follow lots of other animal accounts, like otters, ferrets, groundhogs, hippos, donkeys, and capybaras. I`ve watched videos of beavers building a dam in a hallway and pet rats driving toy trucks.
Read the rest of CHICK WIT in the link in the bio.
CHICK WIT: Deliver Us from Eve By Lisa Scottoline Another day, another doggy drama. Thank God, this one ends happily, too. I tell you that up front because I don`t want you to stress. These weekly columns of mine exist to make you smile. I want them to go down easy, like a cup of decaf, with occasional profanity. I reassure you upfront because, like anybody with a heart, I can`t bear it if something bad is going to happen to an animal. I’m so crazy that I actually consult a website called does-the-dog-die.com before I watch a TV show with a dog. If you didn`t know that website exists, you do now. I want everybody happy and decaffeinated. Plus what happened this week will seem like a rerun, if you read a column I write less than month ago, when my spicy little cavalier Eve ate thirty cherry pits from a bowl that I carelessly left poolside. I`m not blaming the dog. I`m blaming myself. Like I’m the problem, it’s me. So what happened is that it`s tax time, and I have a wonderful accountant who will come to my house and meet with me and explain my taxes to me. I think I dread this meeting, because who loves paying taxes, but I know it`s necessary because I really want to try to understand more about my finances. Link in bio to read the rest of CHICK WIT here:
Mother Mary would’ve been so proud to see me as a question on @Jeopardy! And yes, I’m in excellent company to be the current president of @mysterywritersofamerica, an organization of writers and readers who love crime fiction. Such an honor to serve such a wonderful organization!
