By Lisa Scottoline
I’ve discovered something that changed my life.
No, not divorce.
I knew about that already.
I’m talking crampons.
You probably already know what crampons are, but I didn’t.
It’s like those online memes that say, “I was today years old when I learned that…”
I love those memes, like I was today years old when I learned that a loofah is the inside of a gourd.
Or I was today years old when I learned that mayonnaise takes water stains off a table.
Or I was today years old when I learned that genuine leather is the lowest grade leather available, not the best.
I never knew any of those things, either.
By the way, I don’t know if any of the things above are true, they’re just things I saw on the Internet as examples.
But you get the idea.
Usually it’s household tips.
Like, how does your box of Saran Wrap work?
God knows.
I’m not today-years-old enough.
To return to point, this is the winter of our discontent, and I still have tons of snow around my house. I slip and slide all day long and I’m getting to the point when I’m worried about falling.
This is not age-related, it’s annoyance-related.
Like I fell off my bicycle last summer and broke my arm and it really messed up my work schedule. Bottom line, I don’t have time to get sick.
Also it hurt and was no fun.
I never want to see another orthopedist again, unless he’s single.
Anyway, there’s a lot of snow and ice on the top layer, so it’s really slippery, and when I walk the dogs, I slide around, and it occurred to me that if I fell and hurt myself at night, I might have to lie there in the snow until morning, cursing.
Best case scenario.
Worst case scenario, I’m in one of those commercials that says, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
By the way, I used to think the person meant they couldn’t get up because they broke something.
But now I realize that there is a certain age when it’s not that easy to get off the floor.
In other words, I was today years old when I learned that “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” could be me.
Which sucks.
I’ve always been pretty strong, but I have to confess, lately if I’m sitting on the floor with the dogs, I have to get on all fours before I stand up.
For a moment, the three of us are on all fours, looking at each other.
Then one of us rises to a stand, with a little grunt.
Also, again, profanity.
I don’t know when this horror started but it’s only one of many that I happily pay as a price for staying alive.
Anyway I was complaining to my genius friend Nan about my fear of falling on the ice, and she told me there’s something called crampons.
And they are incredible.
What’s a crampon?
It sounds like a tampon that gives you cramps.
Which would be ironic.
But crampons are cleats on steroids.
It’s a thing that you put over your boot, with a rubber strap over the top and metal spikes on the bottom.
It looks like S&M for people with a foot fetish.
And I’m in love.
The other night I walked the dogs everywhere in the snow and ice, and I felt completely stable in my crampons.
In fact, I felt invincible.
Maybe those of you from the North knew about crampons, but it’s news to girls from the South (of Philly).
Now I look forward to the next snowstorm.
Bring it on, February.
Nothing crampons my style.
Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2026