By Lisa Scottoline
I try to confine my crushes to emotionally available men.
Bradley Cooper, for example.
I’m pretty sure he would be very emotionally available, as a man.
I know this for sure, from the movies he’s been in. Like he plumbed the depths of drama when he played a reserved sniper in American Sniper, and right after that, he played an alcoholic musician in A Star is Born.
Like, that’s emotional range.
And talent.
Also biceps.
And these are the factors I consider in selecting my crushes.
But lately it occurred to me that I should try to pick a crush less embarrassing than a global superstar.
Who’s even too young for me.
So I started getting a crush on this hot silver-haired guy with horn-rimmed glasses on Instagram, who had a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel, like me.
I have horn-rimmed glasses, too!
We have so much in common!
Like that’s very relatable emotional availability.
If you like dogs, I probably like you.
And if you’re Cavalier-crazy, you might be my next ex-husband.
Thing Three!
Lucky fella.
So I started following this man on Instagram and noticing how great he is with his Cavalier and loving the various tips he gives in his posts, like special ways to pet Cavaliers that they’ll love. For example, in one post he’s sitting behind his little Cavalier who looks just like my Eve, and he said that Cavaliers like it when you massage them under the ears in a circular motion, and his dog looked completely adorable, happy, and relaxed.
By the way, his circular-massage technique looked excellent.
I couldn’t help but think how many circles of mine need massaging.
I became a fan of his dog, too, because why not? I follow a lot of dog accounts online and even follow accounts of people interviewing people about their dogs. I also follow lots of other animal accounts, like otters, ferrets, groundhogs, hippos, donkeys, and capybaras. I’ve watched videos of beavers building a dam in a hallway and pet rats driving toy trucks.
Evidently I have a lot of free time.
But this man and his Cavalier really captivated me, so I tried this circular-massage technique on my dogs.
It didn’t work at all.
Eve was annoyed, and New Puppy George kept trying to bite my hand.
I figured I was doing it wrong, so I kept following in the guy, and in other posts he recommended other massage techniques, all of which I tried and none of which worked.
Meanwhile I kept telling Francesca to follow his account because he has great tips for dogs, none of which worked for me but might work for you.
Finally she followed him, then texted me:
Mom, that Instagram account with the ear massage you sent me is an AI generated account! Not a real person and not a real dog!
Wait, what? I called her immediately. “Are you serious?”
“Yes,” Francesca answered gently. “Did you read the bio?”
“No.” I didn’t, I was too busy thinking about the circular massage.
“It says it’s AI-generated content, right there.”
I reeled. “So this guy doesn’t even exist?”
“Correct.”
I know this is repetitive but I needed it repeated. I generally can tell when an image is AI slop, but I had absolutely no idea. So I had to ask, “And the dog?”
“Isn’t real, either.”
“What about the glasses?”
“Not even.”
I hung up, disillusioned.
Until I realized it didn’t matter at all.
By definition, a crush is a product of the imagination.
So it can be based on someone real or someone imaginary.
There’s no crush rules.
And I mean, let’s be real.
I’ve fallen for men who weren’t what they appeared to be.
So I’ve been fooled by slop before.
Why stop now?
Or more positively, a girl can dream, can’t she?
Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2026