divorce Archives – Lisa Scottoline

By Lisa Scottoline

There have been 3 stages in my life.

Childhood, divorce, and advice.

Each one has been terrific.

Let me explain.

I had a great childhood.

My parents adored me, and all I did was go outside and play.

The only screens were on doors.

My mother would tell me, “Stop reading, it will ruin your eyes.”

She was right.

And wrong.

There followed two marriages, to Thing One, and Thing Two.

The good news is that my first marriage produced my amazing daughter Francesca.

The other good news is that divorce exists.

The other day I read a news story about a Florida woman who killed both of her ex-husbands in the same day. When the police came to arrest her for murder, she asked, “Which one?”

Too dark?

Now we come to the present stage, which is advice.

I say this now because a nice thing is happening to me this week.

I’m getting an award from International Thriller Writers called ThrillerMaster, which is basically a lifetime achievement award.

Wow?

Who knew?

I never thought I’d ever even get published and here I am, forty books later.So there are interviews asking me for advice for up-and-coming writers.

Notice I did not say younger.

Because one piece of wisdom is that nothing is about age.

You can write a book at any time.

In fact, Allen Levi was in his late sixties when he wrote Theo of Golden, the mega-bestseller that was his first book.

Actually he’s the one we should be asking for advice.

Anyway what’s happening with me is that the interviewer usually asks, “What is the one piece of advice you would give?”

And I can’t narrow it down.

I am full of advice.

I have so much advice, it’s coming out of my ears.

I’m not saying it’s all good.

It might be bad.

It’s based on mistakes I made.

The more mistakes you make, the more advice you have.

So look on the bright side, when you file for divorce.

You’re just racking up advice.

It’s called experience.

Nowadays we call it lived experience, which I like because I think we don’t pay enough attention to people and what they learn from their lives.

You shouldn’t need a lifetime achievement award to be asked advice.

Everyone who’s lived a lifetime can give advice.

The irony is that as people get older in this culture, we tend to listen to them less, not more.

Mother’s Day is upon us, and the best advice I ever got was from Mother Mary.

Like, Be Yourself.

So maybe on Mother’s Day, take your mom to dinner and ask her for advice.

She might answer, Eat your vegetables.

By the way, that’s excellent advice.

Nowadays there are diet doctors who sell books about plant-based diets, which is what your mother has been telling you for your whole life, for free.

And maybe you have some advice too.

I really think all of us are so thoughtful and have so much more to say than people give us credit for.

Like Daughter Francesca has given me excellent advice, and much of it I’ve followed. Even little things like, thanks to her, I’m going to the gym now and I started lifting weights.

Me?

I have a great trainer who has an array of barbells, ropes, kettleballs, and elastic bands.

He’s like Felix with his Bag of Tricks.

And for half an hour, I do whatever he says.

It’s not a power I’ve ever given to any man before.

And I don’t intend to make a habit of it, other than my trainer.

But you know what, I’m learning.

That’s my best advice of all.

Keep learning.

Stay strong.

Not every weight is a burden.

And I bet you can lift it if you try.

By Lisa Scottoline

There’s nothing like home improvement to improve your life.

At least, not in theory.

I say this because I’m adding a garden room to my house, even though I don’t even know if that’s a thing, because I have a garden and I want a room in front of it so I can see it through the window.

Like TV, only without Andy Cohen.

The garden room is attached to the kitchen and since it needed a door, the oven and cabinets had to be moved, and in any event, you see where this is going. Adding a garden room meant that the kitchen got remodeled. Because the thighbone is connected to the leg bone and the leg bone is connected to the wallet.

Anybody who’s ever started home improvement knows that as soon as you improve one thing, you have to improve other things, so that everything is New and Improved, like detergent, only much more costly.

But I’m not complaining.

I feel lucky to be able to make these changes, and since I work at home, I’m spending 24/7 on the premises, I want to premises to suit me. And while we’re turning that frown upside down, let me add that since I’m still terribly single, it’s great to have everything exactly the way I want.

Finally.

And then I’ll die.

My epitaph will read:

HERE LIES LISA SCOTTOLINE

DID SHE IMPROVE ENOUGH?

To stay on point, remodeling the kitchen means that I’m starting to look hard at my priorities, namely, spices. Please tell me that I’m not on the only woman who owns approximately 75,932 spices, accumulated over decades, and that the spices are dusted off every decade, which is the only time they’re even touched.

I’m looking at you, cardamom.

How this came about is that when I moved the oven, I lost the shelf above it, which is where I kept the aforementioned spices, and that meant that I had to find the spices a new home or concede the obvious and throw them out.

So I began to cast a skeptical eye at my spice rack.

And it took me on a tour of my own life.

Let’s begin with Marriage Rookie Enthusiasm.

In that time period of my life, I had just married Thing Two, my daughter Francesca was young and I had two stepdaughters living at home. I wanted to be not only the best mother of all time, but also the best stepmother, so I instantly bought American Mom spices, which you use when you bake apple pie. You know the autumnal array of allspice, cinnamon, nutmeg, and cloves.

To make a long story short, I made exactly one apple pie.

Divorce ensued, but I got custody of the spices.

Then it was just Francesca and me, and being Italian-American, I decided that I was going to make homemade tomato sauce, or gravy. Mother Mary made the best gravy ever, but she refused to give me the recipe because I was a lawyer.

Don’t ask.

I watched her do it and she always used onion salt, garlic salt, salt salt, and extra salt.

No fresh spices were involved.

Yet it was delicious.

Still I could never make gravy as good as she did, and in time I gave up, though I still have the garlic salt. I feel certain that Mother Mary approves, smiling down from heaven and hoping that the garlic salt has solidified into a sodium bullet.

The next stage of my spice life was Francesca going to college, and that was when I decided I wasn’t going to act mopey because I was an empty nester, and believe me, I got over that fast.

LOL.

But in spice terms, that was the time of my Indian Awakening, an idea I got from a Williams Sonoma catalog. I bought every Indian spice known to man, extending well beyond starter curry into garam masala, turmeric, and vadouvan. They came in round pots full of orange and yellow powders, like nightmare blusher.

These were the coolest spices ever, but I never looked at them again because as an empty nester, I stopped cooking altogether.

Which was coolest of all.

This brings us to the present day, when the only spices I use are salt and pepper.

They require neither shelf, rack, nor cabinet.

They’re sitting alone together on the kitchen island, like survivors of a suburban shipwreck.

Where they’ll stay until the next Williams Sonoma catalog comes in the mail.

Take My Advice

Classic Column: Which Spices Would You Take To a Kitchen Island?

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