Eve Archives – Lisa Scottoline

Forbidden Fruit

August 16, 2026

By Lisa Scottoline

Are you smarter than your dog?

Honestly, I’m not.

I’ve met my match in Eve.

This dog has me outsmarted.

And evidently, it was easier than I thought.

We begin with me telling you that Eve loves balls.

And by loves, I mean obsesses.

It started when she was a puppy, and I played fetch with her. Cavaliers aren’t known for fetching, and I thought it was fun and playful.

Until playful turned pathological.

As much as I love throwing a ball for a dog, Eve is not satisfied unless you have thrown 3000 balls. She never gets tired out, ever since she was a puppy. She will chase a ball all day long, then refuse to give it to you when she fetches it, which is the most annoying part.

But I get it.

I understand how you become obsessed.

Because that’s me and Bradley Cooper.

I can’t even look at photos of him anymore. But then I can’t not.

I search online for the pictures, then I look away.

It hurts too good.

Unfortunately, what I also noticed about Eve is when you throw the ball to her, she doesn’t get happier, she just gets more anxious.

She gets ball anxiety.

If you hide the ball, she will search for it like a freak, running all around the house. So I took the extreme measure of throwing all the balls away to see if Eve could break the cycle of addiction.

It worked.

The first few days, she ran around to all the usual hiding places, but she seemed to forget about it.

She actually got calmer.

I patted myself on the back.

But then she began bringing me apples in from the front yard, where I have an apple tree that just gave fruit.

I know.

Eve brought me an apple.

History repeats itself.

Only I’m not tempted.

Now apples are falling all over my front yard, and Eve thinks God is sending her balls. She’s in obsessive heaven.

She picks up the apples, brings them to me in the house, then sets them down at my feet so I’ll throw them.

We’re not playing ball, we’re playing apples.

So I’m outside picking up the apples like it’s my job.

Which it isn’t.

Luckily, I live on a farm with horses, and they love apples, too. So I pick up the apples, put them in a basket, and take them to the horses.

But horses can’t have that much sugar.

Believe it or not, my horses are on a sugar-free diet, just like me.

By the way, did you know that you can buy low-sugar hay?

Now you do.

Look at all we’re learning from my crazy life!

Anyway now I throw the apples over the fence so deer can eat them.

Evidently deer are not on a diet.

They all look super thin and if you ask me, they need emergency lasagna.

That deer thing worked for a while, and peace returned to my household.

But just this morning, I took Eve on a walk, and there’s a tree on my street that’s dropping berries.

So you know where this is going.

Eve started getting the berries.

She’ll pick them up and run over to me, and if I don’t get them from her in time, she’ll eat them.

And of course they have pits.

You may remember, it was only a few weeks ago that Eve ate fifty cherry pits and had to be taken to the vet, where she threw up like a frat boy.

So you see the problem.

No matter how many round objects I hide, she will find more of them, ingest them, and cause a veterinary bill.

Where does this end?

What round objects are left?

Planets?

I cannot outsmart Eve.

Maybe that’s what God intended.

Eve Makes More Trouble

August 9, 2026

By Lisa Scottoline

I’m home from book tour for This Changes Everything, and when I got home, everything changed.

I’ll explain.

First, let me say how grateful I am to everyone who picked up a copy of the book or came out to see me on tour. Thank you to each and every one of you, because you support me, literally.

Meanwhile I love tour, which has me in a different city every day for three weeks. Most of the year I feel like a puppy in a crate, so when I finally get out and meet people who actually read me, it’s the best thing ever.

We hug!

I got home on Saturday, and the first place I went is my happy place, which is my pool. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have a pool all to myself.

Well, not exactly to myself.

I always bring my dog Eve, who is to the manor born. She lounges on the chair under the umbrella while I read on a float, which is the best thing you could ever do. And that’s exactly what I was doing, after I’d eaten cherries, which is my second favorite thing to do.

Eating.

Anyway, I was reading on my float with a nice full tummy of cherries and I happen to fall asleep.

This is not unusual.

I do it all the time. I love reading myself to sleep, and that doesn’t mean I’m reading a bad book. It means I’m reading a good one, because it relaxes me.

So I woke up an hour later, when I noticed Eve had her face in the cherry bowl. I got out of the pool to find that all of my cherry pits were gone.

Hmm.

I googled, Is it bad for dogs to eat cherry pits?

The answer was, Yes, you idiot. They contain cyanide.

Wait, what?

In large quantities, but do you want to split hairs? How many cherries did your dog eat?

Instantly I called my vet, who said bring her in right away.

This is life with Eve.

You may remember that last month she actually found the only acorn in New York City and ate it whole, causing $12,000 worth of surgery.

Luckily, I have pet insurance.

I reminded myself of same when I was racing to the vet, although this time I was worried. There’s nothing funny about cyanide. And I wasn’t exactly sure how many cherries I had eaten. I remember thinking, wow, Lisa, you’re really pigging out on cherries.

Which is my third favorite thing.

Cherries.

In any event, I raced Eve to the vet’s and they gave her an injection to make her throw up the pits. A half an hour later, the vet came out with Eve, who had her ears tied back like she partied too hard.

The vet smiled. “You really like cherries, don’t you?”

I had to laugh. “How many cherries did I like?”

She answered, “Thirty.”

Which is embarrassing. “But Eve is OK?”

“Absolutely,” the vet answered, and I almost cried with relief.

The vet told me that Eve might pass more cherry pits, but they were too few in number to do her any harm.

Later, I took her home and two hours after that, she passed sixteen more pits.

That means I ate forty-six cherries when I came home.

Look how good I am at addition!

If not willpower.

Puppy Envy

April 12, 2026

By Lisa Scottoline

I’ve been dog-sitting Daughter Francesca’s dog Bobby.

And it’s created a problem.

Because I like Bobby better than my dog Eve.

Just kidding.

Kinda.

Let me explain.

Bobby and Eve are Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, a tri-color and a Blenheim respectively, and they’re both about a year and a half years old. Francesca and I are besties, so the dogs are besties, and they love playing together.

But this last visit, I could see that Bobby is the model child.

Guess who’s the problem child.

Eve/Evil.

Bobby is personality plus. He’s always in a great mood, he’s friendly to other people and dogs, and he loves to cuddle.

I mean, really cuddle.

Anytime I sit down, he sits right beside me.

If I stretch out on the floor to read or watch TV, he comes over and rests his head on my shoulder.

When I go to sleep at night, he cuddles on my pillow or sleeps with his neck on mine.

I know that sounds crazy, but I love it.

In winter, my neck was nice and toasty.

And I could feel his little heartbeat.

I slept better than ever, like he was furry Ambien.

In contrast, Eve always sleeps at the foot of the bed.

I pull her up to get her to sleep near me, but she won’t have any.

She likes lying on my feet, which means I can’t move.

And she barks to wake me up at 6:00 in the morning.

Meanwhile I don’t have to get up until 7:30.

I am my own boss.

My office is downstairs.

When Eve barks that early, Bobby will lazily open one eye. He’s in no hurry to leave our pillow paradise, either.

Then he’ll lick my face, endlessly.

Yes, we make out.

He’s my Employee of the Month.

He deserves a bonus — or a bone.

Honestly, this is my kind of dog.

Only he’s not my dog.

By the way, Eve chews rugs, furniture, and wooden baseboards.

Bobby chews nothing but food.

His only bad habit is that he will find a sneaker, carry it around, and hide it somewhere. It takes a while for me to find both sneakers.

Do I mind?

No, it’s fun!

Eve and Bobby are the Goofus and Gallant of dogs.

The dogs are from the same breeder, who told us, “female dogs love you, but male dogs fall in love with you.”

Before, I thought that sounded gendered.

And I worried that Eve was getting the bitch edit, literally.

But it’s true, of these two.

In the end, one is sugar and one is spice.

But if I could, would I trade Eve for Bobby?

Not really.

Eve is my sassy, spicy, bossy little girl.

She might even be me in dog form.

Adorable!

Just in her own way.

In Praise of Praise

March 22, 2026

By Lisa Scottoline

I graduated!

Or rather, Eve did!

Last night, Eve graduated from obedience school.

I cried.

I cried at Francesca’s graduation, too.

Allow me to tell you that my daughter was valedictorian at her high school.

In contrast, Eve was not.

Eve is basically the juvenile delinquent in her class.

Or the juvenile dog-linquent.

Sorry, I thought I was above puns but I’m not.

Eve started in Puppy Kindergarten at six months, then took Elementary School, Middle School, and Manners Level One. She just now graduated from Manners Level Two.

This dog is more educated than I am.

I’m applying for student loan forgiveness.

I’ve taken her to all of these classes, and she barked her way through every one.

I’m crazy about this dog, but she never shuts up.

She gets it from me.

In the parlance, this is called a “reactive” dog.

To me, she’s Italian.

We have a lot to say!

And I don’t want to sell Eve short. After a year of training, she has learned to sit, stay, heel, and come when called.

At least, when she’s in class.

Once I get her home, she goes from Eve to Evil.

Also, her skills aren’t due to my great training, or even that of the wonderful instructors.

It’s all because of cheese.

Eve will do anything for cheese.

I’m pretty sure she would sell the country out for cheddar.

I got through our obedience classes by holding a tube of string cheese in front of her nose to get her to follow my commands.

I call this a cheater move.

Remarkably, the teachers did not.

I love these teachers.

And to be serious a moment, this past year has been the absolute most fun thing I’ve ever done, because Eve/Evil is such a spicy little dog that she keeps things interesting and the classes are so great at my training center, which is called “What a Good Dog.”

What a good school!

And so every Tuesday evening, I’ve been taking Eve to class and stuffing her with cheese that makes her fart all night.

But she stays!

And at her graduation, we got a certificate that says to “Lisa Scottoline and her Companion Eve.”

It should probably say to “Eve and her Companion Lisa Scottoline,” but I never mind top billing.

Our only problem is that Eve barks so much. This usually starts in the beginning when the dogs are coming in, and there are six dogs in class, so every time a new dog enters, she barks for about 5 to 10 minutes.

I think she’s trying to make friends, but she’s socially awkward.

She gives everybody a headache.

I realized this tonight when the teacher was telling us about a rally class that I signed up for next and nobody else did. I said, “Come on, everybody sign up, I’m doing it!”

And the faces remained blank.

That’s when I realized that maybe nobody wants to do it with Eve.

Or maybe me?

Awkies.

In any event, it was a great graduation night because for the first time we did a little obstacle course of all of the commands, and Eve stopped barking long enough to go through it and eat cheese.

And then one of the other people said that I was really good at praising her, which I totally acknowledge.

I kiss her ass constantly.

I will do anything to get her to shut up.

I was worried that she would flunk, but the teacher said nobody flunks.

Yay!

Let’s hear it for grade inflation!

I think everybody should get a participation trophy, even if they bark a lot.

Life is short.

Don’t skimp on treats or praise.

We all have obstacle courses we have to go through, every day, and there’s nothing wrong with a little help.

That’s what I learned at doggy obedience class.

And honestly, it’s the best lesson ever.

Naughty or Nice?

December 21, 2025

By Lisa Scottoline

It’s the time of year when it we find out whether you’ve been bad or good.

Unfortunately, my little puppy Eve has been Evil.

She’s a year old now, so her personality has shown itself, and it ain’t pretty.

Simply put, she’s an total alpha female.

Or more accurately, a boss bitch.

Let’s begin with the fact that she doesn’t like to walk.

In fact, she doesn’t like to leave the couch.

As soon as I get the leash, she throws herself on the ground and refuses to move.

With one exception.

If I ask, “Wanna go in the car?” Then she jumps off the couch and runs over for her leash.

As in, she knows car.

She wants to Uber around the block.

I think a sedan chair would work, too.

She basically doesn’t want her feet to touch the ground.

What woman does?

Don’t worry, there’s nothing physically wrong with her. I took her to the vet, and the diagnosis is that she’s a princess.

And that’s not all.

She doesn’t eat out of a bowl.

At first I thought the problem was her food, so I did the whole thing where you order various overpriced ipsy-pipsy dog meals they ship to you, which involves defrosting, cleaning dishes, and special containers.

But she still didn’t eat.

Then one day I happened to drop some kibble on the floor and she started eating.

Which is when I realized that she likes to eat off the floor.

Now, I have to throw her kibble on the kitchen floor to get her to eat.

This isn’t a problem except that she leaves a fine grit of chicken byproducts.

After every meal, I Dirt-Devil the floor.

Because of my dirty devil.

You haven’t lived until you’ve walked in bare feet and ended up with Purina Pro Plan between your toes.

And if your feet are as dry as mine, you’ll end up with kibble in your heel cracks, which guarantees you’ll be single forever.

The other thing about Eve is that she does not play well with others.

I took her to puppy obedience school, and she graduated, but she’s socially awkward. If she sees another dog on a walk, she barks nonstop at them, which is her way saying hello.

It never works.

Other dogs avoid her.

Yesterday she scared off a German Shepherd.

Or gave him a headache.

As far as people go, she’s picky. She loves Daughter Francesca, me, and a few other of my girlfriends, but she can’t be bothered with strangers we meet. She lets them pet her, but she’ll stand there.

She doesn’t wag her tail.

She checks her watch.

She’s rude.

And it’s awkward.

But randomly, she likes workmen.

Any carpenter, electrician, or plumber who comes over, she flirts like crazy.

Who doesn’t love a man in uniform?

She sees that jumpsuit and she jumps.

Yesterday I had a burglar alarm guy over, and Eve climbed into his lap and wouldn’t move.

Meanwhile she won’t sit on my lap.

She’s supposed to be a lap dog, but evidently it has to be a lap with benefits.

So when it comes to the question whether Eve is Naughty or Nice, I guess I have to say Naughty.

But I love her anyway, which if you ask me, is the point of the holiday season.

Let’s not get all judgy.

There’s too much of that going around lately, and we all need a little more acceptance.

Understanding, even forgiveness.

I love Eve for the little dog she turned out to be.

And that’s Nice.

Happy Holidays!

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