Eve to Evil Archives – Lisa Scottoline

By Lisa Scottoline

I’ve been dog-sitting Daughter Francesca’s dog Bobby.

And it’s created a problem.

Because I like Bobby better than my dog Eve.

Just kidding.

Kinda.

Let me explain.

Bobby and Eve are Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, a tri-color and a Blenheim respectively, and they’re both about a year and a half years old. Francesca and I are besties, so the dogs are besties, and they love playing together.

But this last visit, I could see that Bobby is the model child.

Guess who’s the problem child.

Eve/Evil.

Bobby is personality plus. He’s always in a great mood, he’s friendly to other people and dogs, and he loves to cuddle.

I mean, really cuddle.

Anytime I sit down, he sits right beside me.

If I stretch out on the floor to read or watch TV, he comes over and rests his head on my shoulder.

When I go to sleep at night, he cuddles on my pillow or sleeps with his neck on mine.

I know that sounds crazy, but I love it.

In winter, my neck was nice and toasty.

And I could feel his little heartbeat.

I slept better than ever, like he was furry Ambien.

In contrast, Eve always sleeps at the foot of the bed.

I pull her up to get her to sleep near me, but she won’t have any.

She likes lying on my feet, which means I can’t move.

And she barks to wake me up at 6:00 in the morning.

Meanwhile I don’t have to get up until 7:30.

I am my own boss.

My office is downstairs.

When Eve barks that early, Bobby will lazily open one eye. He’s in no hurry to leave our pillow paradise, either.

Then he’ll lick my face, endlessly.

Yes, we make out.

He’s my Employee of the Month.

He deserves a bonus — or a bone.

Honestly, this is my kind of dog.

Only he’s not my dog.

By the way, Eve chews rugs, furniture, and wooden baseboards.

Bobby chews nothing but food.

His only bad habit is that he will find a sneaker, carry it around, and hide it somewhere. It takes a while for me to find both sneakers.

Do I mind?

No, it’s fun!

Eve and Bobby are the Goofus and Gallant of dogs.

The dogs are from the same breeder, who told us, “female dogs love you, but male dogs fall in love with you.”

Before, I thought that sounded gendered.

And I worried that Eve was getting the bitch edit, literally.

But it’s true, of these two.

In the end, one is sugar and one is spice.

But if I could, would I trade Eve for Bobby?

Not really.

Eve is my sassy, spicy, bossy little girl.

She might even be me in dog form.

Adorable!

Just in her own way.

By Lisa Scottoline

I graduated!

Or rather, Eve did!

Last night, Eve graduated from obedience school.

I cried.

I cried at Francesca’s graduation, too.

Allow me to tell you that my daughter was valedictorian at her high school.

In contrast, Eve was not.

Eve is basically the juvenile delinquent in her class.

Or the juvenile dog-linquent.

Sorry, I thought I was above puns but I’m not.

Eve started in Puppy Kindergarten at six months, then took Elementary School, Middle School, and Manners Level One. She just now graduated from Manners Level Two.

This dog is more educated than I am.

I’m applying for student loan forgiveness.

I’ve taken her to all of these classes, and she barked her way through every one.

I’m crazy about this dog, but she never shuts up.

She gets it from me.

In the parlance, this is called a “reactive” dog.

To me, she’s Italian.

We have a lot to say!

And I don’t want to sell Eve short. After a year of training, she has learned to sit, stay, heel, and come when called.

At least, when she’s in class.

Once I get her home, she goes from Eve to Evil.

Also, her skills aren’t due to my great training, or even that of the wonderful instructors.

It’s all because of cheese.

Eve will do anything for cheese.

I’m pretty sure she would sell the country out for cheddar.

I got through our obedience classes by holding a tube of string cheese in front of her nose to get her to follow my commands.

I call this a cheater move.

Remarkably, the teachers did not.

I love these teachers.

And to be serious a moment, this past year has been the absolute most fun thing I’ve ever done, because Eve/Evil is such a spicy little dog that she keeps things interesting and the classes are so great at my training center, which is called “What a Good Dog.”

What a good school!

And so every Tuesday evening, I’ve been taking Eve to class and stuffing her with cheese that makes her fart all night.

But she stays!

And at her graduation, we got a certificate that says to “Lisa Scottoline and her Companion Eve.”

It should probably say to “Eve and her Companion Lisa Scottoline,” but I never mind top billing.

Our only problem is that Eve barks so much. This usually starts in the beginning when the dogs are coming in, and there are six dogs in class, so every time a new dog enters, she barks for about 5 to 10 minutes.

I think she’s trying to make friends, but she’s socially awkward.

She gives everybody a headache.

I realized this tonight when the teacher was telling us about a rally class that I signed up for next and nobody else did. I said, “Come on, everybody sign up, I’m doing it!”

And the faces remained blank.

That’s when I realized that maybe nobody wants to do it with Eve.

Or maybe me?

Awkies.

In any event, it was a great graduation night because for the first time we did a little obstacle course of all of the commands, and Eve stopped barking long enough to go through it and eat cheese.

And then one of the other people said that I was really good at praising her, which I totally acknowledge.

I kiss her ass constantly.

I will do anything to get her to shut up.

I was worried that she would flunk, but the teacher said nobody flunks.

Yay!

Let’s hear it for grade inflation!

I think everybody should get a participation trophy, even if they bark a lot.

Life is short.

Don’t skimp on treats or praise.

We all have obstacle courses we have to go through, every day, and there’s nothing wrong with a little help.

That’s what I learned at doggy obedience class.

And honestly, it’s the best lesson ever.

Puppy Envy

In Praise of Praise

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