glasses

By Lisa Scottoline

It’s the new year, so it’s time to reorganize my kitchen drawers.

Don’t get the idea I do this every year.

I do it every 30 years.

But I do it when the year is new.

So that counts.

I started with the drawer that contained so much junk that I couldn’t open or close it anymore without stuff sticking out, so it was time. Actually what it mostly contained was a bunch of pairs of glasses, and it was quite a spectacle.

I took a picture after I reorganized it because I was so proud of myself, but I should have taken the Before picture so you could see what a goddess I am.

But let’s focus for a minute on the glasses.

I didn’t know how many pairs of glasses I had until I went through that drawer. Part of the problem is that I never throw any glasses away because my  prescription has stayed the same. In fact, the only reason I ever get new glasses is because of the horrible things I do to them.

Mainly, sitting on them.

This is easy to do.

Try it at home.

With practice, you can be as good as I am.

All you have to do is take your glasses off and leave them on your couch, chair, or even in bed, where you can roll on them and break a stem.

Voila!

Or they drop off the night table and you forgot that on your way to the bathroom and stepped on them in the dark and broke them in half.

Way to go, Lisa!

There are lots of ways to destroy a pair of glasses.

Just improvise.

Have fun with it!

But now I have a new thing.

Last week I ran over my glasses with my car.

I did a great job!

And just for good measure, I also ran over an empty glasses case.

As I always say, if you want something done right, do it yourself.

They were actually prescription sunglasses that cost a fair amount because I was trying to be fashionable. But somehow they must have fallen out of my pocket when I got in or out of the car, and when I came home, lying on the floor of the garage was a highly costly pancake.

I took them in to get them replaced, and we all had a good laugh at the optician’s office. I’m there so often, we’re friends.

It’s like a bar, where I’m a regular.

Cheers!

Then the next bad thing I did to my glasses was get a puppy.

Her name is Eve but when it comes to eyeglasses, she is Evil.

Because I leave my glasses everywhere, all of a sudden I’ll find them in her dog bed.

Glasses are the most expensive chew toy ever.

For a while I wore them with gnawed-on stems, but they kept scratching behind my ears so I had the stems replaced. Then she chewed off the little rubber tips on my remaining pair of prescription sunglasses, so I had to get them fixed. And yesterday I got a plastic nosepiece out of her mouth, but I have no idea where that came from.

Maybe she has a glasses drawer, too.

Also when I reorganized my drawer, I realized I had three billion pairs of readers.

I’m making a vow never to buy more reading glasses.

I buy them compulsively because they’re not that expensive and they come in a lot of pretty colors.

Pretty colors are my siren song.

And if they’re at the counter in pink, forget it.

I own them.

But now that I see that I have too many, I’m going to stop.

And I’m going to take better care of them and all of my glasses.

I have to.

It’s 30 years until I clean the drawer again.

Copyright © 2026 Lisa Scottoline