By Lisa Scottoline
It’s the time of year when it we find out whether you’ve been bad or good.
Unfortunately, my little puppy Eve has been Evil.
She’s a year old now, so her personality has shown itself, and it ain’t pretty.
Simply put, she’s an total alpha female.
Or more accurately, a boss bitch.
Let’s begin with the fact that she doesn’t like to walk.
In fact, she doesn’t like to leave the couch.
As soon as I get the leash, she throws herself on the ground and refuses to move.
With one exception.
If I ask, “Wanna go in the car?” Then she jumps off the couch and runs over for her leash.
As in, she knows car.
She wants to Uber around the block.
I think a sedan chair would work, too.
She basically doesn’t want her feet to touch the ground.
What woman does?
Don’t worry, there’s nothing physically wrong with her. I took her to the vet, and the diagnosis is that she’s a princess.
And that’s not all.
She doesn’t eat out of a bowl.
At first I thought the problem was her food, so I did the whole thing where you order various overpriced ipsy-pipsy dog meals they ship to you, which involves defrosting, cleaning dishes, and special containers.
But she still didn’t eat.
Then one day I happened to drop some kibble on the floor and she started eating.
Which is when I realized that she likes to eat off the floor.
Now, I have to throw her kibble on the kitchen floor to get her to eat.
This isn’t a problem except that she leaves a fine grit of chicken byproducts.
After every meal, I Dirt-Devil the floor.
Because of my dirty devil.
You haven’t lived until you’ve walked in bare feet and ended up with Purina Pro Plan between your toes.
And if your feet are as dry as mine, you’ll end up with kibble in your heel cracks, which guarantees you’ll be single forever.
The other thing about Eve is that she does not play well with others.
I took her to puppy obedience school, and she graduated, but she’s socially awkward. If she sees another dog on a walk, she barks nonstop at them, which is her way saying hello.
It never works.
Other dogs avoid her.
Yesterday she scared off a German Shepherd.
Or gave him a headache.
As far as people go, she’s picky. She loves Daughter Francesca, me, and a few other of my girlfriends, but she can’t be bothered with strangers we meet. She lets them pet her, but she’ll stand there.
She doesn’t wag her tail.
She checks her watch.
She’s rude.
And it’s awkward.
But randomly, she likes workmen.
Any carpenter, electrician, or plumber who comes over, she flirts like crazy.
Who doesn’t love a man in uniform?
She sees that jumpsuit and she jumps.
Yesterday I had a burglar alarm guy over, and Eve climbed into his lap and wouldn’t move.
Meanwhile she won’t sit on my lap.
She’s supposed to be a lap dog, but evidently it has to be a lap with benefits.
So when it comes to the question whether Eve is Naughty or Nice, I guess I have to say Naughty.
But I love her anyway, which if you ask me, is the point of the holiday season.
Let’s not get all judgy.
There’s too much of that going around lately, and we all need a little more acceptance.
Understanding, even forgiveness.
I love Eve for the little dog she turned out to be.
And that’s Nice.
Happy Holidays!
Copyright © Lisa Scottoline 2025
