by Lisa Scottoline
These are turbulent times.
I have a cure.
A puppy.
First, let me state the obvious.
Don’t get a puppy if you’re not going to take care of it forever.
I assume I’m talking to responsible adults here.
But now, let’s be real.
I got a puppy and I am in love.
There is no illness a puppy can’t cure.
I’m having the best time ever, throwing balls for her and holding nylabones while she chews them.
I feel sure that every minute I spend is adding time to my life.
My deadline is going to hell but I’ll worry when I’m dead.
The absolute best thing to do with the puppy is sleep with one.
In your bed.
Under the covers.
I know, it sounds weird.
Maybe you have something better to sleep with.
Like a man.
Or a woman.
I used to sleep with men, and none of them was as much fun as a puppy.
That’s just the truth.
I think it begins when we’re kids and we sleep with stuffed animals. I had a pink rabbit named Pinky, and I still have her. She’s ancient but she looks good for her age.
Or maybe I’m projecting.
I don’t know who started kids sleeping with stuffed animals, but it’s an absolutely great idea. I loved Pinky, and now I have a little puppy who’s the size and shape of Pinky.
And I’m a kid again.
Our story begins with me putting Eve in a crate next to my bed at night, which is what I read you were supposed to do. But she would wake up two, three, and four times to go out. I would take her out each time, she’d pee, and I’d give her a treat.
The next day, I was tired.
Very.
Then I started to worry that she was waking up for the treat and/or the attention.
I figured this out because I used to kiss her all the way downstairs and outside.
Listen, I’m a good kisser.
Not to brag.
So last night, from the outset, I put her in my bed instead of the crate.
And instead of waking up four times a night, she slept till 7:30 in the morning.
And I got the first good night’s sleep since I got her.
Plus it was fun.
Like, so much fun.
Eve just cuddled up at my side, nestled in my flannel nightgown.
This is sex for middle-aged women.
Now we sleep together, old lady and new puppy.
I’m well aware that some of you might be grossed out at this point.
I say this because I once wrote a character that slept with her dog under the covers, and my editor said it was disgusting.
Really?
But it’s cold at night.
How can I cover myself and not the dog?
I’m also aware that there are people who don’t allow their dog on the furniture, much less the sheets.
I admire them.
They set limits I never could.
They’re never wearing more dog hair than their dog.
They probably balance their checkbook every month.
And they marry the right guy the first time.
Me, not so much.
But it all turned out alright in the end.
Me and my little furball are having a great time.
Bottom line, whatever gets you through the night.
Copyright © 2025 Lisa Scottoline
