By Lisa Scottoline
I’m writing this in the middle of the night.
And here’s why.
Steroids.
I’m not complaining.
I’m recommending.
Let me explain.
We begin two months ago when I develop a head cold and can’t shake it. On book tour, I can’t even hug people and that’s the reason I write books.
By the way, it’s not Covid.
I’m still a Covid virgin.
You think I’m lucky?
You never met Thing Two.
So I called my doctor and he refers me to an specialist, whom I go see.
He looks up my nose and says it’s “frothy.”
Froth does not belong in your nose.
It belongs in your cappuccino.
And now I’ll never drink cappuccino again.
The specialist diagnoses a sinus infection and prescribes an antibiotic and steroids.
Thus changing my life.
I don’t understand how I could go from feeling so bad in the morning to feeling so good at night. In fact, I could paint your house.
If you want, I’ll be right over.
I’ve never felt this good in my life.
I don’t know why I can’t live on steroids.
Maybe I’ll grow big muscles, but that’s not the worst thing in return for feeling like you could run the world.
Should I give it a try?
After I paint your house?
I’m happy I’m cured because I’m a bad patient. All I did was complain. In my defense, I live alone. So I was talking to dogs.
But I was extremely profane.
Somebody needs to explain to me the science of steroids.
Are these the same steroids that make people hit baseballs into the next state?
I think they’re different because you inject those steroids in your butt.
Or maybe that’s testosterone.
And maybe you inject it somewhere else.
All I know is now I have two working nostrils, one on each side. I’m breathing like a champ. I’m pretty sure I’m using up all the oxygen in the universe.
Please be careful.
Don’t exert yourself.
You’re only left with nitrogen or whatever.
The other weird thing about steroids is the dosage. You take six pills in a one day, then five, then four, you get the idea. I’ve never in my life taken five of the same pill one day.
Now I want six hundred.
This is why I don’t do drugs.
The only drug I do is chocolate.
That’s why I don’t buy chocolate cake.
Now I won’t buy steroids.
I have no portion control when it comes to steroids.
I’m gonna grow chin hair, but what else is new?
Plus I can write in the middle of the night. By the way, I apologize for not writing new pieces lately, but I’m on book deadline and my nose is frothy.
Now all I have to do is fall asleep.
I’ve been trying for four hours and I’ll succeed in four days.
Meantime I’ll mow the lawn, wash the car, and run the world.
I think I could run it better.
In my world, everybody would be nice and all waistbands would be elastic.
We’d clean up the Earth, the sea, and our bra drawer.
There would be shows on Netflix we haven’t seen already.
Books would never be burned, but Spanx would.
There would be a price cap on prescription drugs and highlights.
Salted caramels would fall from the sky.
Bradley Cooper would be my husband.
The Supreme Court would have the ethical obligations of a traffic court.
Trials would be televised because we saw everything on Netflix. Also, justice.
That would just be my first day on the job.
Mine would be a government on steroids, literally.
Either that or I’m coming over.
Say when.
© Lisa Scottoline 2024